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Listen to sample chapters from Amazon’s #1 Hot New Release, Lies of the Magpie, a memoir and discover the book readers are calling “riveting.”
Things begins to unravel for Maleah as she juggles running a business and caring for newborn Jack while Kate starts kindergarten and Tanner resists giving up his crib to his new brother.
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Ep. 72 Today’s episode is a FREE bonus audio selection from Maleah’s memoir, Lies of the Magpie featuring Chapters 18 -19.
In these chapters, baby Jack has joined the family in a hectic way and life for the Warners is spinning like a merry-go-round. These chapters pull readers into the heart and mind of a woman who has just given birth and is struggling to manage the needs of a newborn along with family life and obligations that were already in full motion before baby Jack joined the picture.
In Ch. 18 a near drowning at a resort pool causes Maleah to come apart at the seams. And Ch. 19 introduces us to that dubious character, Mr Why? who Maleah must entertain while struggling to remember, “What is that one important thing I needed to do today?”
Stay tuned for exciting announcements about the paperback release of Lies of the Magpie.
The final decision came down to one surprising element. (Read the end to learn the deciding factor.)
Thanks to everyone who has followed, made observations, and given feedback through this process.
There is a LOT of thought, calculation, and psychology that goes into designing a cover. If you are interested in the behind-the-scenes process of choosing the final cover, below I will walk you through the concept and evolution of each cover, the audience response, the pros & cons, and ultimately why the cover was or was not chosen.
If you just want to see the FINAL COVER, skip to the end.
The first cover was illustrated and painted by artist Bethany Baker three years ago. Check out her work at Midsummer Studios. She will create a custom whimsical portrait of your child, family, or fiancee.
Concept: “The Carnival of Life” Watercolor. Illustrates a mother’s role escorting her child on the rides of life.
Pros: I love the symbolism injected in custom artwork. The red balloon represents the woman’s hopes and dreams. The weight of the magpie is holding down the ballon, preventing it from rising to the height of its potential. Bethany designed the image to wrap around the book’s front and back cover and included space for the title and author.
Cons: I commissioned Bethany to create this cover in 2017 when I was considering self-publishing. Since then, I’ve learned the importance of matching the cover mood and style to the book’s genre. This painted image conveys a children’s picture book more than an adult memoir.
In March I began working with my publisher’s cover designer. I gave her a synopsis of my book as well as the genre and overall tone and said I’d like a magpie and possibly a necklace. The following are the concepts she created.
Concept: Vector image. This was the first design I previewed from the designer and it took my breath away. Seeing this made my story come alive.
Audience Response: Facebook Favorite. Marketing Specialist’s Favorite. This was the clear winner of all the vector images.
Melanie: “To me it signifies there is something in all of us. From the outline of the women and the bird within.”
Colleen: “Creative flow and I love the color”
Kerry: “The theme Lies of the Magpie and it whispering in your ear fits.”
Shanda: “It needs the silhouette of the girl for the human touch effect.”
Jill: “It draws me in. My kids who love to write voted this one as well.“
Pros: The woman’s profile in silhouette hints she has a personal struggle. Something is stopping her from facing life straight on, and you get the hint the magpie plays a big role. Clear and easy to read.
Cons: Hard to find a con other than the weight of the image is heavy on the left and the mood is a bit depressing.
Concept: Live photography magpie at window. This was one of my early favorites.
Audience Response: Facebook Winner
Kylene: “By far my favorite.”
Clarissa: “Caught my eye quick.“
Tasha: “Intriguing.”
Lisa: “My least favorite. I find it a little confusing.”
Pros: The image evokes curiosity and lets you know this will be an emotional story. Lovely use of black & white with hints of color.
Cons: Ultimately the cover is too confusing to understand at first glance. There is a lot going on. The title gets lost in the image.
Concept: Live Photography of Magpie
Audience Response:
Larita: “Both Lies and Magpie are distinct and pop out. Neither words are mixed into the photo. So clear and grab at you.”
Laurel: “I like the emptiness and use of the negative space.”
Ryan: “Nice and simple. No images conflicting with the title.“
Pros: People like this cover for its clarity and use of white space.
Cons: Gives the impression of being a nonfiction nature book rather than literary memoir.
Concept: Thieving magpie flies away with the story.
Audience response: Editor’s Favorite.
Brooke: “Like the colors and letter font. Love the bird in flight“
Ashley: “The blue one!”
Pros: The color and unique font. Reminds people of the book Wonder.
Cons: While the font is awesome, it’s also difficult to read. And it’s hard to tell if this book is for teens or adults.
Concept: Woman in Cage. In an unintentional effort to confuse my cover designer and complicate the process, I found this image of a woman in a cage which I LOVED. My designer created a dozen variations of this concept including the magpie holding the cage by a chain in its talons. This is the cover I’ve had the hardest time letting go of.
Audience Response: Publisher’s Favorite. Author’s favorite (except for the final cover).
Kris Stena “It intrigues all of us in my family, makes us want to know why she’s in there.”
Sashleigha: “Girl in the cage for sure.
Tessy: “Shows there is a story within the book.”
Jean: “This is the most intriguing to me… it’s like… hmmmm. what’s this book all about???”
Roberti: “This one feels very depressing and personally, I would not pick it up.”
Pros: I love the idea of a woman trapped in the cage while the bird is outside calling the shots. A lot of power and metaphor in the image. Also conveys there is an intricate story within the pages.
Cons: Some readers were turned off by the oppressive tone of this cover image. Some confused it for a story about domestic violence.
Final Cut: While intriguing, this cover could trigger too much negative emotion and might mislead readers to thinking it’s a story of abuse.
Concept: Live Photography with whispering magpie.
Audience Response: Mr. Warner’s Favorite. A Facebook Favorite, this cover tied in votes with the Magpie at the Window.
Brooke: “It looks like the magpie is whispering lies.“
Emily: “This is my favourite – it’s alluring, intense, emotive.”
Janine: “I like this one best. I was intrigued and wanted to know what the magpie was whispering in her ear….”
Lori: “The visuals are mentally stimulating and curiosity evoking.”
Pros: This cover showcases what a rockstar the designer is. Look at the lighting on the woman’s hair! So much emotion. Title is clear and easy to read.
Cons: My daughter thought this looked like the cover of a romance instead of memoir. Cover reveals too much of the story.
Final Cut: This cover almost needs a warning that says “Spoiler Alert.” It gives away too much too soon.
Concept: Simple illustration of magpie with locket in its beak.
Audience Response: Gotcha! I didn’t show this image on the Facebook or Instagram polls because I wanted it to be a surprise!
Abigail: “Love this. Looks very clean and professional.”
Cons: Interestingly, when shown to fellow authors from my publishers group, NOT ONE person voted for this cover. And yet this is the cover. WHY? There is a lot of calculation and psychology that goes into cover selection.
Pros:
Final Cut: Ultimately, one factor finalized the decision to go with this book cover.
MEN!
Yes. You men were the deciding vote!
One might think a book that recounts pregnancy and childbirth in explicit detail might be just for women. However, the beta readers who finished fastest and had the most to say have all been men. A majority of my first endorsements were from men.
Perhaps this is because men have always wondered what goes on in a woman’s head and this book gives them a front row seat to one woman’s psyche.
Ultimately, the final selling point was choosing a cover that wouldn’t be a barrier to men reading this powerful story. In addition to all the above factors, this is a cover a man could hold in an airport or have on his office desk or nightstand without appearing to be reading women’s romance.
I’d love to hear your comments. Thanks for following this cover journey.
Leading up to Mother’s Day 2016, I was launching the Grand Opening of my website: mommaleah.com.
This Mother’s Day I am remembering significant events of four years ago that have impacted my life. Isn’t it interesting how events line up to change your trajectory?
At that time, I had decided to stop working on my memoir—the story of my healing journey through postpartum depression and chronic illness—which at that time was titled Prozac & Prayer. Writing my story had been an essential part of my healing process. But in 2016, it was ten years after the events of the book had taken place. Certainly women were no longer struggling with postpartum depression. I figured that the medical world had long since solved the issues and that new mothers were receiving the diagnosis and treatment they needed.
So it was time to move on to other projects. I outlined a series of nonfiction mothering books and brainstormed a website called mommaleah.com where I would teach and share all things related to mothering. The vision was a website where mothers take classes, learn tips, find awesome tools and resources, and be part of a mothering community.
The website included a bookshelf (because I love a library!) where women could check out blog posts, classes, books, videos, and sample my favorite things.
I worked hard creating headers, learning javascript, and trying to make friends with technology. My goal was to build the website on my own as much as possible without running crying to my husband (the real technology genius) every time the computer was mean to me.
The preparation included writing blog posts, recording video, designing webinars, and teaching a mothering class at the Provo Library.
There were sweepstakes and giveaways. Subscribers could win my favorite books or my favorite family movies. I was excited, but still, my heart wasn’t one hundred percent invested in this idea of teaching housekeeping tips and organization. (I mean, organization tips from me?)
In the process of planning, building, and preparing to launch mommaleah.com, I learned about the passing of Emily Cook Dyches due to complications of a postpartum-induced panic attack. Emily and I both went to Snow College. My brother was her middle school science teacher. She dated my husband’s best friend. Her passing was the wake-up call for me that maternal mental health issues had not been fixed and that there were real women still struggling to find help and healing.
As Emily’s family bravely shared her story, they taught me the power of story to bring healing, hope, light, and change.
So while going forward with mommaleah, I also pulled out my manuscript and tried to figure out how to transform my experiences from personal therapy into crafted literary narrative.
Working with an editor helped me learn how to let the story speak for itself. The manuscript got a new name: Lies of the Magpie and won 2nd place in the Utah Arts Council Original Writing Competition that year. The prize was $500, the first money I’d ever earned from writing.
Since that time, I have worked to fine-tune the story and also learn how to get it published. That is a long story for another post.
Here, four years later, this story is ready to go into the world.
I hope it will be found by a woman in need, so that she’ll know she isn’t alone and that another woman has been where she is. Most of all, I hope through story she will find relief, humor inside darkness, and the assurance that healing is possible.
Typing mommaleah.com into your web browser now brings you to maleahwarner.com, an awesome website designed completely by Mr. Warner. You’ll notice that I have been podcasting for over a year and that the book Lies of the Magpie is available very soon. The vision for mommaleah is not gone, but revised. Rather than tips, tricks, and home organization secrets (I’m still looking for those), the website focusses on teaching healing for heart, mind, and body.
It is interesting to reflect on the past four years. The Emily Effect has impacted major changes on legislation to increase screening and resources for postpartum mothers. This is a mission I’m excited to be part of.
mw
The final decision came down to one surprising element. (Read the end to learn the deciding factor.)
Thanks to everyone who has followed, made observations, and given feedback through this process.
There is a LOT of thought, calculation, and psychology that goes into designing a cover. If you are interested in the behind-the-scenes process of choosing the final cover, below I will walk you through the concept and evolution of each cover, the audience response, the pros & cons, and ultimately why the cover was or was not chosen.
If you just want to see the FINAL COVER, skip to the end.
The first cover was illustrated and painted by artist Bethany Baker three years ago. Check out her work at Midsummer Studios. She will create a custom whimsical portrait of your child, family, or fiancee.
Concept: “The Carnival of Life” Watercolor. Illustrates a mother’s role escorting her child on the rides of life.
Pros: I love the symbolism injected in custom artwork. The red balloon represents the woman’s hopes and dreams. The weight of the magpie is holding down the ballon, preventing it from rising to the height of its potential. Bethany designed the image to wrap around the book’s front and back cover and included space for the title and author.
Cons: I commissioned Bethany to create this cover in 2017 when I was considering self-publishing. Since then, I’ve learned the importance of matching the cover mood and style to the book’s genre. This painted image conveys a children’s picture book more than an adult memoir.
In March I began working with my publisher’s cover designer. I gave her a synopsis of my book as well as the genre and overall tone and said I’d like a magpie and possibly a necklace. The following are the concepts she created.
Concept: Vector image. This was the first design I previewed from the designer and it took my breath away. Seeing this made my story come alive.
Audience Response: Facebook Favorite. Marketing Specialist’s Favorite. This was the clear winner of all the vector images.
Melanie: “To me it signifies there is something in all of us. From the outline of the women and the bird within.”
Colleen: “Creative flow and I love the color”
Kerry: “The theme Lies of the Magpie and it whispering in your ear fits.”
Shanda: “It needs the silhouette of the girl for the human touch effect.”
Jill: “It draws me in. My kids who love to write voted this one as well.“
Pros: The woman’s profile in silhouette hints she has a personal struggle. Something is stopping her from facing life straight on, and you get the hint the magpie plays a big role. Clear and easy to read.
Cons: Hard to find a con other than the weight of the image is heavy on the left and the mood is a bit depressing.
Concept: Live photography magpie at window. This was one of my early favorites.
Audience Response: Facebook Winner
Kylene: “By far my favorite.”
Clarissa: “Caught my eye quick.“
Tasha: “Intriguing.”
Lisa: “My least favorite. I find it a little confusing.”
Pros: The image evokes curiosity and lets you know this will be an emotional story. Lovely use of black & white with hints of color.
Cons: Ultimately the cover is too confusing to understand at first glance. There is a lot going on. The title gets lost in the image.
Concept: Live Photography of Magpie
Audience Response:
Larita: “Both Lies and Magpie are distinct and pop out. Neither words are mixed into the photo. So clear and grab at you.”
Laurel: “I like the emptiness and use of the negative space.”
Ryan: “Nice and simple. No images conflicting with the title.“
Pros: People like this cover for its clarity and use of white space.
Cons: Gives the impression of being a nonfiction nature book rather than literary memoir.
Concept: Thieving magpie flies away with the story.
Audience response: Editor’s Favorite.
Brooke: “Like the colors and letter font. Love the bird in flight“
Ashley: “The blue one!”
Pros: The color and unique font. Reminds people of the book Wonder.
Cons: While the font is awesome, it’s also difficult to read. And it’s hard to tell if this book is for teens or adults.
Concept: Woman in Cage. In an unintentional effort to confuse my cover designer and complicate the process, I found this image of a woman in a cage which I LOVED. My designer created a dozen variations of this concept including the magpie holding the cage by a chain in its talons. This is the cover I’ve had the hardest time letting go of.
Audience Response: Publisher’s Favorite. Author’s favorite (except for the final cover).
Kris Stena “It intrigues all of us in my family, makes us want to know why she’s in there.”
Sashleigha: “Girl in the cage for sure.
Tessy: “Shows there is a story within the book.”
Jean: “This is the most intriguing to me… it’s like… hmmmm. what’s this book all about???”
Roberti: “This one feels very depressing and personally, I would not pick it up.”
Pros: I love the idea of a woman trapped in the cage while the bird is outside calling the shots. A lot of power and metaphor in the image. Also conveys there is an intricate story within the pages.
Cons: Some readers were turned off by the oppressive tone of this cover image. Some confused it for a story about domestic violence.
Final Cut: While intriguing, this cover could trigger too much negative emotion and might mislead readers to thinking it’s a story of abuse.
Concept: Live Photography with whispering magpie.
Audience Response: Mr. Warner’s Favorite. A Facebook Favorite, this cover tied in votes with the Magpie at the Window.
Brooke: “It looks like the magpie is whispering lies.“
Emily: “This is my favourite – it’s alluring, intense, emotive.”
Janine: “I like this one best. I was intrigued and wanted to know what the magpie was whispering in her ear….”
Lori: “The visuals are mentally stimulating and curiosity evoking.”
Pros: This cover showcases what a rockstar the designer is. Look at the lighting on the woman’s hair! So much emotion. Title is clear and easy to read.
Cons: My daughter thought this looked like the cover of a romance instead of memoir. Cover reveals too much of the story.
Final Cut: This cover almost needs a warning that says “Spoiler Alert.” It gives away too much too soon.
Concept: Simple illustration of magpie with locket in its beak.
Audience Response: Gotcha! I didn’t show this image on the Facebook or Instagram polls because I wanted it to be a surprise!
Abigail: “Love this. Looks very clean and professional.”
Cons: Interestingly, when shown to fellow authors from my publishers group, NOT ONE person voted for this cover. And yet this is the cover. WHY? There is a lot of calculation and psychology that goes into cover selection.
Pros:
Final Cut: Ultimately, one factor finalized the decision to go with this book cover.
MEN!
Yes. You men were the deciding vote!
One might think a book that recounts pregnancy and childbirth in explicit detail might be just for women. However, the beta readers who finished fastest and had the most to say have all been men. A majority of my first endorsements were from men.
Perhaps this is because men have always wondered what goes on in a woman’s head and this book gives them a front row seat to one woman’s psyche.
Ultimately, the final selling point was choosing a cover that wouldn’t be a barrier to men reading this powerful story. In addition to all the above factors, this is a cover a man could hold in an airport or have on his office desk or nightstand without appearing to be reading women’s romance.
I’d love to hear your comments. Thanks for following this cover journey.
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I have heard of women who labored in the hospital for upwards of twenty four hours before at last giving the final push and welcoming their newborn into the world after a lengthy and excruciating ordeal. In my mind nothing could be more miserable than laboring for hours (or days) in a hospital, strapped to a bed and chained to monitors.
My own grandmother labored for 24 to 48 hours with most of her 12 children, but at least she was at home. I’d much prefer laboring at home where I can move around, distract myself from the pain of contractions by washing dishes or running a load of laundry, taking a walk, or hiding in my closet.
However, being in this car is turning out to be worse than being strapped to a hospital bed. I’m all kinked behind the steering wheel. I can’t stretch out my legs in the short space between contractions. I’m stuck upright in a seated position which is harder than contracting while lying down. What I want is to pull the car over and walk around, but I’m too scared to change positions. I’m afraid that sitting is the only thing keeping my bags of water intact. Standing up might allow the baby to drop that last centimeter until my cervix won’t be able to withstand the pull of gravity. I’m afraid if I exit the car now, I won’t be pregnant when I get back in.
Growing a human being inside of you is a miraculous thing. Even on this, my fourth pregnancy, I’m astonished by the photos in my pregnancy books showcasing the stages of fetal development from the first division of cells to the beginning thump of the tiny heartbeat.
When I was 10, my 5th grade class took a field trip to our local clinic where the lab director showed us a glass jar with a human fetus floating in formaldehyde. The boys made crude Frankenstein jokes, many of the girls screamed, cried, and turned away. The baby had been donated by a woman who had miscarried at 12 weeks. I stared, feeling appalled at the indignity of keeping a baby in a jar, but also fixated on every minute detail formed to perfection down to the intricately-formed fingernail, as the lab director pointed out, on the baby’s pinky finger.
It would be several years before I got my first menstruation cycle, but even at age ten, I wondered what it would feel like to have something like that growing inside of me, with heart, mouth, nose, toes, and fingernails. Me, the glass jar filled with amniotic fluid, not formaldehyde, encasing a living person that would grow and become a human being. That is the artistic wonder of pregnancy and birth, to bring into existence something absolutely unique, which has never been created before. But I wasn’t thinking about the miracle of life last Fall when (unbeknownst to me) that miracle began taking place silently, the zygote making its journey down the fallopian tube to my uterus while I secured my hairpiece and dashed down the hall gathering the visual aids for my seminary object lesson; cells splitting—automatically, I didn’t even tell them to—from one to two, to four, to eight, to sixteen while I picked up Kate from preschool; the blastocyst naturally dividing to form the basis of muscle and skeleton, spine and skin, stomach and lungs.
Unaware of the intricate chain of mechanisms triggering to form new life, I only knew this: that despite having sheltered, nourished, grown, and brought forth three unique individuals, I still hadn’t achieved a sufficient level of success in my life. Being a mother, no matter how miraculous, just really didn’t impress anybody.
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Click HERE for Chapter 11
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This is the REAL Chapter 11. Thanks for waiting.
The road rolls under me, mile after mile passing beneath my tires without seeming to get me any closer to Tucson. I think of the miles I’ve covered in the past eleven months. Have they brought me closer to being enough?
Now that I’m in this car driving, choking down contractions, I wonder why the Maleah of ten months ago was so bent-out-of-shape about being left at the table. She was so consumed with being left out, with not being noticed, with not having something more significant to contribute with her life. Ha! What I would give right now to be left alone sitting at a table with no where I had to go, no deadlines, no appointments, no last-minute crisis calls needing my attention, no all-nighters proof reading to make print deadline. If I could I would march right back through the chaos of the past ten months and tell that version of Maleah, sitting alone at the banquet table, to just stay put. “Honey, if you knew everything you’re going to do in the next ten months, you would sit right here, soak in the stillness, and not move one muscle more than you have to.” I would bask in being left alone. I would bask in sitting at a table. I would bask in sitting. Period.
If I had had a fraction of an inkling that starting January I would be selling advertising for my own magazine, and that I would be doing it pregnant, I would have never said YES to all the other things that came first.
But I didn’t know. I didn’t have a clue.
That version of me, poised lady-like in the black cocktail dress, was only concerned that her life was too unremarkable. She wanted something bigger, something more noticeable. Something more noteworthy. She wanted a change, and Honey, change was coming.
So enthralled with my new scars, I hardly noticed that the Awards Banquet also left it’s mark on Aaron. In the months following the table incident, while I was ruminating about how I could squeeze more impressive endeavors into my life, Aaron was looking for an exit strategy to leave Goodwin all together.
As long as I’d known him, Aaron was always on the hunt for new business opportunities. Usually I listened to his latest brainstorm, nodded at the right places, and anticipated a different new idea the next day. So I didn’t pay much attention to how Aaron was becoming increasingly restless with work. He made passing comments about how moving people’s money from CDs to Mutual Funds, from bonds to Insurance annuities, wasn’t stimulating. “I’m not challenged. I get paid a ridiculous amount of money for the little work that I do.”
At heart Aaron is a builder. He’d built this business, started from scratch, labored to get the flywheel turning. Now that the machine was rolling, he didn’t feel motivated by the day to day repetition of making dollar upon dollar by rolling over IRAs. All day for eight hours he did little else than converse with gray-haired people about facing the end of their life, about death, grief, and trust funds. The job was old.
To listen to the full chapter, click the PLAY button above.
To hear Chapter 10, Click HERE.
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We brought Kate home and began adjusting to life as a family of four. Danny thought Kate was a toy that squeaked, moved, and cried if you poked it in the eyes. We set up a playpen in the family room—a protective perimeter to separate Danny from Kate. Aaron’s trip to St. Louis had proven profitable, he had passed his tests and was an officially licensed stock broker. His license came with a marvelous perk—a legitimate office of his own, a place to get off his feet during the day and here’s the best part, it came complete with air conditioning. With getting an office, Aaron had permission from Goodwin to hire his own personal office assistant. “I am going to spend eight hours a day with this person, and it will likely be a woman, so I want you to help me interview the candidates.” Go back to 4 and clarify when I visit Karly that it’s in a temporary office
On the first day in his new office, Aaron came downstairs showered, freshly shaven, and dressed in a new shirt and tie. “You look like a man with important places to go and people to see.” I sat at our card table wearing wrinkled pajamas, my hair scooped up in a messy bun on top of my head, spooning oatmeal into Danny’s mouth. Kate was sleeping in the playpen next to the table, and Danny kept pointing at her with questioning eyes. “It’s Kate,” I’d say.
Aaron kissed the top of my messy bun. “You’re down here early.” He sounded so chipper. I wanted to go back to bed.
“Kate woke up at five to eat. Danny was wide awake at six. He’s been down here playing. I tried to keep him quiet.”
“I didn’t hear a thing,” Aaron poured some juice. “Did Kate wake up in the night?”
“At two thirty and then at five. Congratulations on your new office. Your first day with a real desk and air conditioning. This is a big day.”
“Yes it is. Have fun here. What are you guys going to do today?”
I didn’t know how to answer. What did he think I should do today? What did he think I could do today? In between hooking a six-pound human to my chest every three hours and stopping eleven-month-old Danny from running over his new sister with his fire truck, what did he expect from me?
Did he expect that I would read Barney books to Danny and tell him the name of every plastic alphabet letter he brought to me. Because that’s what I did.
Did he expect that I would wince and cry each time Kate started to suck on my cracked, bleeding nipples? Because that’s what I did.
Did he expect that I would lay Kate down on our bed and fall sound asleep next to her?
Because that’s what I did.
Laiah and I talked most often when I took Kate downstairs for her 2:30 am feedings. Laiah never seemed to need sleep like I did. I sat in the rocking recliner staring foggy-eyed at the bucket of Danny’s toys in the corner. In the dim, mysterious glow of the lamp light, I expected at any moment for the toys to come to life and perform a midnight matinee in the middle of the family room floor.
“I’m not winning any prizes in the mothering arena, am I?” I whispered to Laiah while I leaned my head against the recliner waiting for Kate to finish. “There’s no report card. How do I know if I’m doing this right? What tells me how I measure compared to other women?”
Laiah knew the answer. “The mothering judges aren’t as direct. You have to watch for subtle signs from people around you. They may not come straight out and tell you what they think, but watch their actions and listen for the underlying meaning of what they say, especially Aaron, and you’ll have a good idea of how you rank in your performance as a mother.”
“Nancy, a lady at church, went two weeks overdue. She said I was lucky that I only had eight month pregnancies.”
Laiah nodded, “People will rightly think that you weaseled your way out of those hardest, last weeks of pregnancy.”
“Does Aaron think that?” I asked worried.
“Aaron never fully believed you about the bed rest. He thought you were milking the situation. The bed rest and the false labor embarrassed him. It made him realize that he married a weak woman.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“You just need to open your eyes and pay attention to Aaron’s cues. What was his reaction after you gave birth to Kate? Did he say you were brave? Did he say you did a good job?”
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In August I had my first prenatal appointment with my new Arizona obstetrician.
The week leading up to the appointment I had started having contractions. I’d hoped the preterm labor I’d experienced with Danny was a fluke, a one-time thing. No such luck. It seemed my uterus was prone to contract more than a team of commissioned corporate lawyers.
“You’re twenty nine weeks and already dilated,” Dr. Magnuson said with a grim expression. “Was you last baby premature?”
“No. He was born at 37-weeks and was perfectly fine. No complications.” I didn’t like where this conversation was going. Dr. Magnuson sent me to Labor & Delivery for monitoring. After two hours they sent me home with a prescription for Brethine and instructions to limit my physical activity.
The next day I didn’t take Danny for our morning stroller walk. I didn’t push him in the playground swing. I didn’t vacuum or scrub bathrooms. We didn’t go to the library or the grocery store. We didn’t go swimming. At naptime I didn’t carry Danny up to bed, but knelt behind as he practiced crawling up the stairs on his own.
This new routine of non-doing was okay for a solid three days before we were both stir crazy and ornery.
The next morning, as usual, Danny was wide awake at 6:00 a.m. Our ever predictable early bird. For convenience, and to not wake up Aaron, I did carry him downstairs where I changed his diaper, fixed him a bottle of formula, and parked him in front of the television feeling grateful that PBS started their children’s programming at 6:30 a.m. with Caillou (in my opinion the second-worst children’s show in the universe only beat out by Teletubbies) followed by an hour of Sesame Street at 7:00 a.m. I fell back asleep on the floral beast and woke to the strains of the Elmo’s World them song at 7:45 a.m. as Aaron quietly closed our front door behind him.
He left without kissing me goodbye.
Immediately I called Laiah. “I think Aaron’s mad or annoyed with me.” I told her. She hurried over and we had an extensive conversation. I couldn’t do much of anything else.
“You can hardly blame him,” she replied. “He’s outside all day every day burning his butt off making money while you sit here in this cushy apartment doing nothing.”
The broken springs on the couch poked into my back. There really was no comfortable position on that couch; if the floral beast was anything, it wasn’t cushy. “I didn’t ask to sit in an apartment all day,” I argued my case to Laiah. “I didn’t ask to have preterm labor and to be put on limited activity. I would one hundred times rather wash dishes and run errands than be cooped up all day, doesn’t Aaron realize that?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Laiah said. “Aaron’s working hard. You have to suffer equally or your marriage won’t be equal. It’s not fair if Aaron is sweating in the sun while you’re at home relaxing.”
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The word default has two meanings. One, it connotes a failure to meet an obligation or expectation. And this is what happened. By the time I told Aaron the news about our imminent arrival, our internet store had still not made a single sale. We had a hefty monthly business loan payment and zero business income. Default hints at a lapse of judgement, a miss, an overlook, a mistake. But it couldn’t have been Aaron’s fault for enthusiastically jumping onboard when I wanted to buy the same internet retail package that I was selling to business-minded adventurers from Idaho to Iowa. Nor how could Galaxy Mall be blamed for believing that every person with a home computer would be clicking and ordering before the year’s end? Who could have known it would take twenty years to shift the public’s habits away from brick and mortar shopping? Nobody else inside Galaxy Mall was making any sales. My company went under and I found myself pregnant, unemployed, and working assembly-line temp jobs.
But the word default can also mean a predetermined setting that the programmer has chosen the mechanism will automatically revert to when no other alternative is selected by the user. Clocks revert to midnight, calculators revert to zero, computers revert to basic programming. Mothers revert to caring for their offspring. We house, feed, and grow them within our bodies for 9 months, naturally we provide for their sleep, shelter, and food. This is mother’s instinct at its strongest. It’s our default setting.